When Andy and I were engaged to be married, we decided we weren’t going to take a trip for our honeymoon. We didn’t have much money, so after celebrating our wedding and staying in a nice hotel, we came back to Boston to settle into our first shared apartment. We took a week off together to move furniture, unpack our boxes and begin the adventure of married life.

Andy’s mother, however, was worried. As we were planning our honeymoon staycation, she asked Andy, “Won’t Sarah be resentful if you don’t take her on a honeymoon?” So Andy came to me and asked: would I be resentful? Was I harboring a secret desire for a trip? No, I said. We had decided on our course of action together, and settling into our new home was what I wanted to do. In that moment, we coined a phrase that has supported us throughout our 22 years of marriage: 

“Transparency prevents secret resentment.” 

That moment was one of many that confirmed for me that I was marrying the right person. Openness and honesty serve us well in all areas of our lives. In my life, I want to be truthful and I want to be kind. In any relationship—whether it’s marriage or church life—open, kind and direct communication supports health and well-being.

Here in our church, we love the truth by communicating directly with each other. Are you thinking about how much you appreciate someone else at First U? Tell them! Are you curious to hear someone else’s perspective? Ask them what they think. Curiosity and honest appreciation spread goodwill in our church.

Being honest with concerns also supports a healthy community. This is harder. It’s not easy to tell someone they’ve made us uncomfortable or something they have done has upset us. It’s okay to decide that you’re going to shrug off some minor discomfort. But if you have a serious concern about someone else in the church, I encourage you to talk directly to them about it.

When people come to me with concerns about someone else, here are the steps I try to follow:

• Can you talk to the person about your concern?
• Can I go with you to talk to the other person?

If the concern were serious, I might offer to talk to the person on my own—but only if I could share the name of the person who was upset. There’s almost no place in church life for anonymous feedback. Transparency prevents secret resentment.

This is a good time for a reminder that this is how I ask you to communicate with me, too. If you need to tell me something, I hope you’ll come talk to me. I want to connect with you, even if you have something hard to tell me. You can bring a friend if you want. If you tell me what someone else in the church told you, I’ll ask for their name. If you can’t give it I won’t be able to take in that feedback. There will be an opportunity at the Annual Meeting for folks to give me any feedback they want directly without using their name. 

Communication is not mostly about sharing information. In a place like a church, communication is much more about sharing emotion. The emotion matters more than the content. If we share feedback anonymously, the listener can’t respond to the emotion. Everyone is frustrated that the relationship can’t deepen and resolve whatever is the matter.

Our covenant calls us into deeper and more honest relationship. One way we do that is through direct and kind communication. Transparency prevents secret resentment. I hope this reminder is as helpful to you as it has been to me.

In faith,

Rev. Sarah Stewart